All of this has come to me, through the Holy Spirit, as I am studying the gospels, the Psalms, reading, praying and meditating. God speaks to me.
I have poured out my sins. That's easy for me. I pour them out over and over and over. Sins from 39 years ago. Sins from a decade ago. Sins from yesterday. Again and again and again. Well, that's my problem.
Now some may say, "You don't seem the type. You seem so confident." Well, the fact of the matter is, sometimes the ones who appear so confident are in reality the ones who have little self-esteem. No. My parents didn't make me this way. I was geared this way from the get-go. If you lived in my head, you would understand why I write this post. But, hopefully, if you continue to read this, you may have a glimpse of understanding about why I write what I write. And I hope it may help You in some way.
I do know my immortality. I have seen many of all ages go before me throughout my lifetime. I realize that each moment is precious. That's why I've decided to scrape my pennies together and hire people to paint my home, add trim, fix the dents in the walls, you get the picture. I'd rather sew and cook and bake and give it all away than to mow and trim and weed-eat. I'm on the downhill stretch of my life, and that's freaky and a big reality check here. I want to do what I love and do it with passion, all for my Lord.
I could give something up. Sure I could. I have some bad habits, but they're really not that bad. Seriously. I don't overeat. I don't overdrink. I don't intentionally hurt myself or others. I apologize when I'm wrong. One soda every couple of days is not that bad. A glass of wine about the same amount of times is not that bad. After all, I have been beating myself up about the pop I drink, only to do my own research on the FDA website to find that to really do me damage, I would need to drink 17 pops per day. Enough of beating myself up.
I could take something on. Sure I could. But, I do have good habits. I have a giving career. I've been told I work hard, all with a smile on my face. I pride myself in saying that I give 110% in my work. I make an effort to be a good friend and family member, by calling and visiting and writing. I make presents for my family throughout the year. I give to my church family by being in the praise team. I read good stuff and the Bible. I journal. I pray. I meditate. I feel that I am well-rounded when it comes to giving of myself. I have a balance when it comes to taking on something new. I feel I am full when it comes to that.
The darkness tries to talk me down...
tell me I am not perfect enough...
not beautiful enough...
not healthy enough...
not sexy enough...
not young enough...
not smart enough...
So I keep trying harder and harder and harder to be...
loved...
admired...
desired...
cherished...
beautiful...
perfect...
So, maybe, for a person who is told, "You are way too hard on yourself. You are one of the best people I've ever known"...and
So, maybe, for a person knowing that my character flaws are:
severe self-condemnation
severe self-judgment and
severe self-perfection...
Maybe, just maybe I should take on this for Lent:
Maybe, just maybe I should take on not trying so hard for Lent.
Maybe, just maybe I should take on being kind and loving to myself for Lent.
What if I should take on for Lent...
giving myself manicures
giving myself pedicures
taking bubble baths
getting a massage once in a while
getting in my hot tub a couple times a week
not checking off list items
buying that car stereo receiver I have been wanting
fixing my hair how I like it and not feeling like it's wrong to be prissy
actually buying myself a pretty Valentine top or outfit to wear to church
It sounds "just wrong". It sounds so selfish. It sounds so "off", for what we do for Lent, for what I do for Lent. But, actually, I do believe that my Jesus wants me to love myself first and foremost. He is so loving, and he loves the unlovable. He is so kind, and he loves the unkind. He is so peaceful, and he loves the disturbed. He is so beautiful, and he loves the ones who don't feel so beautiful. Because, you see, He Loves Me. I AM a temple of God. I AM formed and fearfully and beautifully made in his image. I do believe that my God and my Jesus love me that much...so much that they Want me to take on trying less and loving myself more.
Sincerely and humbly from the heart and spirit,
Suzie
